The Long Dark Night

Posted by on Aug 8, 2012 in Faith | 3 comments

The Long Dark Night

Husband left a month ago to start a new job in a new state, leaving Bug, Bear and I behind to pack up our home and prepare for a cross country move as soon as he finds us a place to live. Well, let me rephrase – Husband left me to pack up our home and prepare for a cross country move because, quite frankly, the 1 year old and 3 year old really are no help at all. Okay I’ll be honest – they’re actually a bit of a hindrance. An incredible hindrance. Oh all right – the truth is, I haven’t been able to pack a single box in the past month since Husband left because the 24 hour maintenance of two little girls who miss their daddy terribly is all consuming and never ending.

I know this sounds naive, but it kind of surprised me. My Bug is just absolutely laid back about everything, nothing really phases her. My Bear is kind of a mama’s girl, so as much as she loves her daddy, I knew she’d be okay with just me for a couple months. So I definitely wasn’t looking forward to him leaving, but I just tried to adopt a positive attitude and think of the time as being a unique opportunity to enjoy the quiet solitude of my own thoughts.

Well that didn’t work out at all. Bug, who is just 100% daddy’s girl, had her world turned upside down when he drove away. She’s 3 1/2, so old enough to know he’s gone for a long time, but not old enough to really grasp why and that there’s an end point. My laid back, happy-go-lucky girl has been stressed. Particularly at night.

Last night I found my exhausted self trying to explain to my exhausted Bug that I needed to go to my own bed to get some sleep and take care of Mommy, to which she replied, “Mommy? Why you got to take care of Mommy?”

Ah yes, a poignant question. There was no use really trying to answer it, but I thought about it a long time in my head and longed for her to understand that I just see a big picture she’s not aware of. To Bug, the night must seem infinitely long, dark, and alone while she’s missing her daddy and wanting extra reassurance that mommy is still there, but I have a better understanding of time and realize it’s not all that long and she’s perfectly safe. I care about nothing more than her safety and well being and am continually working to make sure she’s protected. I know that if she can just relax and get some sleep she’ll feel so much better. If I get some sleep, I’ll be a much better, saner, more enjoyable mommy. Plus we’ll all have more energy to throw our stuff in boxes so that we can actually live with Daddy again one day. I wish she would just rest and trust me. I’m watching out for her. I’m not going anywhere. Our family is getting to a better place, and in the big picture the wait isn’t all that long.

This morning I woke up to God speaking this to my heart…

“You know how you wish Bug would just rest and trust you at night? How it would make everything so much easier if she could know you’re in control through the dark, let you carry the burdens, then just rest in peace and comfort? I feel the same way about you sometimes. I know you’re in a long, dark night of your own. I see that it worries you, that you have no sense of an end in sight, that you’re exhausted. But I’ve got it. I can see straight through to the other side where the light is, and it’s good. Really good. It’s worth the wait, and the wait isn’t forever. You’re perfectly safe, I’m constantly working to keep you protected. Just trust me and get some rest.”

3 Comments

  1. Love your honesty and vulnerability. Enjoy your writings. Very encouraging! God bless u!

    • Thank you, Debbie, for reading and for the encouragement! I hope to see you again on your next visit in our new place!

  2. C…such a beautiful Mommy you are ..taking such amazing care of those little ones hearts, taking such care with their spirits , not just their physical needs .I think so often that this is a real problem with so many parents ,although they truely love their children and take wonderful care of their physical needs ,they really are not so intuned to their mental needs …Momma would LOVE you …she was the best about taking care of our spirits …it is one of the best things that I remember about her …Praying that this will be a wonderful move for you all ,Love Aunt Betty

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